Chinese in Plain English - Hainan Island China

Here we are in Hainan Provence, China! The "Oriental Hawaii" more or less. More beach, less bodies.

Yalong Bay is gorgeous. It's an uncrowded white expansive beach, quiet, clean air and water. This is a very affordable 5 star paradise. Guest house options in Da Dong Hai are available for a long term stay of a month or more.

Currently, Sanya, the capital, has many Russian visitors, coming here to relieve themselves of the cold. Other seasons, Europeans and Australians find this place to their liking.

Menus are in Russian or Chinese. You have to ask for one in English.

Very few Chinese here speak English so bring a book of translations, it is very helpful and indeed necessary. It took me 30 minutes to order a fresh coconut juice in Chinese and 3 seconds to understand the overflow of emotions from the Russians. These Russians put Marcel Marceau to shame. We totally understood one another without a common word and ended up sharing a taxi.

So now let's speak in plain English. Let's start with Chevrolet. That good ol' American car we revered in the 50's. It has begun a joint venture with China, producing a very cute, small SUV for a mere $10,000 usd. Not available in the USA. The Chinese are buying them like moon cakes.

Then remember Snyder's pretzels, 1909, the big, hard, chunky kind? All the broken pieces get sent to China for marketing. You can just lick the package and the crumbs and taste a paste of either cheese, honey mustard, apple cinnamon, cream caramel, or onion. Bursting with flavor and profit for Mr. Snyder.

Feel like brushing your teeth after that? Rembrandt tooth shine, for $8-10 usd in USA, $1.50 usd here. Need a calculator or tranlator hand-held? I went to the Business shop, not just an ordinary shop, tried 10 calculators, 4 didn't work right off--Chinese made goods at their worst.

TV: 36 channels, non cable, with Dynasty period soap operas with costumes and hairdos and hats abound, flying daggers style. Game shows, singing contests and war documentaries, every hour, every day. Then there are the extravaganza celebrations, featuring a video collage of all the above, interwoven, so somehow it all relates to nature and reality today, complete with little smiling children singing and marching, while the audience waves little red flags.

Miss World 2005 in Hainan. Chinese in plain English.

As I said, this time of year all menus are in Russian or Chinese. DA! I went to the hot springs spa, pointed to the Russian menu, a program of massage called "Imperial," thinking Chinese Imperial or Russian Imperial, I cannot go astray. There must be some common element here. The Imperial massage package is a bag of rocks, about the size and shape of sugar cubes, rolled, kneaded, and scrubbed across your entire body for one hour. Oh, did I mention that they are hot scalding rocks wrapped in cloth? I didn't give up or give in.

I went on to the foot reflexology test. Mind you, I am an expert on every kind of body therapy existent, and this is the very best in the world. Vietnam comes close. It hurts, it's effective, and afterwards one feels like they had a complete body and head renewal. Two days later, I went back for more. It hurts, it's effective, and, well, you get the feeling.

I'm off for the day, in the Chevy SUV, teeth brushed, body scrubbed, reflexed, Snyder's packed, translation book in hand, going to attempt, from the Russian menu, to eat without selecting fish chin, duck feet, or fish eyes.

More on food tomorrow!